


Bleue Comme le Ciel

by Anonymous



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Body Dysphoria, FTM Ciel Phantomhive, Menstruation, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:14:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22641652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Ciel's body is not like other boys'.//unfinished. just a couple scenes i wrote years ago and finally felt like putting out in the world, since i'm unlikely to write more in this vein.
Relationships: Sebastian Michaelis & Ciel Phantomhive
Kudos: 42
Collections: Anonymous





	Bleue Comme le Ciel

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this back in high school when I first watched Black Butler and went "this boy Is Trans" and a friend of mine went "trans people didn't exist in victorian times :/" and I was like "-_-" 
> 
> (they super did, btw)

Orange rays of warmth flooded between the drapes and spilled onto the large oak desk in the Phantomhive study. Ciel turned in his high-backed chair to squint out at the gardens, the light washing over his pallid face. He knew that the light’s warmth was a deception of the glass panes in the massive window behind him, and that it was actually much colder outside. His ever-sour look grew sourer, and he turned back around to resume looking over the papers laid out before him.

Ciel hummed thoughtfully as he pawed through the sheets. Boring legal documentation. Tedious but necessary work. Such were his duties. He was glad to be interrupted by a knock and a gentle call of “Young master?” though he did not show it with his irritated reply of, “Yes, come in.”

The sturdy door creaked open, and Sebastian entered with a bow. “There is a letter from young Lady Elizabeth, my lord.”

Ciel huffed. Matters concerning Elizabeth were also tedious but necessary. He’d almost rather be doing paperwork. Almost. “Well? Bring it here, then.” He beckoned to his butler, who strode over, feet making barely a whisper on the carpeted floor. Sebastian handed his master a large white envelope sealed with the Midford family crest. 

“Lady Elizabeth is down south with her mother in France right now, is she not?” Sebastian inquired, with just the right amount of formality and curiosity.

“She is.” Ciel slid an ornate silver letter opener swiftly through the fold, breaking the seal with a small crack of wax. His good eye scanned through the page. When he was finished, he closed his eyes and sighed, tossing the fancy stationery down on the desk.

“Nothing of grave importance, then?” Sebastian said in amusement, picking the letter up and refolding it neatly.

“Only the trivial girly garbage that one would expect from my fiancée,” Ciel replied wearily. “She says that she wishes I had chosen to accompany her. And that she sends her regards to _you_ of all people.”

Sebastian paused, tilting his head to one side. “I was not aware that you had been invited, my lord.”

Ciel scowled and shuffled the documents in front of him into a neat stack. “I have no desire to travel. My work is _here,_ and there is a dreadful amount of it.” He opened a drawer with more vigor than strictly necessary, and placed the papers inside. Then he stood up, and began walking towards the door. “Draw me a bath,” he ordered, not looking at the butler as Sebastian held the door for him.

“Yes, my lord.” A twinkle of amusement glimmered in Sebastian’s half-lidded amber eyes. “And shall I put this letter with the rest?” he called to Ciel’s back, which was heading down the corridor towards his bedroom. 

“Yes, yes,” Ciel said back, dismissively waving a hand. When he arrived at his room, he could already hear the slosh of water coming from the bathroom. 

_That damned butler moves fast,_ Ciel thought, not for the first time. It was no longer surprising to him though; Sebastian had always made a point of being almost _too_ good at his job. At the same time Ciel was pleased at having such a capable servant, it made his teeth grind at exactly how infallible the man was. A fun game he liked to play was daydreaming of all the ways he could force Sebastian to lose, finally find a crack in his otherworldly composure and pull and pull until the devil was all unwound down to seams at his feet. For, as long as Sebastian was in his service, Ciel could bring down anyone and anything he pleased. Would it not be a testament to his own capabilities were he to conquer the being who was his most powerful piece in the game?

Ciel sat on his bed and crossed one leg over the other, his hand coming to rest on his chin with a gloomy exhale. Fantasies of conquest aside, his mind drifted to Elizabeth. Her letter spoke of her visit to that new structure recently erected in Paris, the Tower Eiffel, and of all the French sweets she’d tried. _Not as delicious as Funtom’s, of course, but still very tasty. The wrappers all have such cute designs!_ she’d written. Then of course, she’d signed it with hearts strewn across the bottom. Ciel scoffed. That was Elizabeth for you.

Sebastian appeared from the doorway, jacket removed and sleeves rolled. There wasn’t a single spot of water on his gloves, Ciel noticed. “Your bath is ready, my lord,” said the devil.

“A little slow, wouldn’t you say?” Ciel said as he stood and stretched, purposefully trying to antagonize. “You took your sweet time with this one, Sebastian, I’m disappointed.”

“I apologise, my lord.” Sebastian bowed in an immaculate servant apology, save for the barely-there smile that ghosted his lips. “I will attempt to be quicker next time.”

“Hmmm.” Annoyance buzzed through the young Earl. Damn him for being so… so… Composed. Unfaltering. Good at knowing exactly what to say. Those were things Ciel strived to be, as the perfect nobleman, and here was Sebastian, an unholy creature with the charm and patience of a hundred lords. 

“Is something troubling you, young master?” The question was sincere enough, but Ciel couldn’t help but feel the man was teasing him. It wasn’t an illogical thought, for it happened rather often.

“I’m quite fine.” Ciel brushed past Sebastian into the dressing room, then raised his arms slightly and narrowed his eyes at the butler. “Now, undress me.”

Sebastian’s eyebrow shifted upwards slightly, but he nodded and swept a stray lock of straight black hair away from his eyes. “Very well, sir.” 

Ciel knew that he was being childish, which irritated him, but he didn’t know what else to do. He broke eye contact with Sebastian as the butler knelt down and began unbuttoning Ciel’s jacket. “What time is it?” the Earl asked, keeping his gaze fixed to the patterned wallpaper. 

“Six twenty-five, my lord,” Sebastian replied without skipping a beat.

“Damn,” Ciel cursed. “I wasn’t expecting the sun to set so early.” He turned his head to gaze out the window, noting the sun’s low position in the sky as Sebastian removed his jacket and started working on the buttons of his shirt.

“Well, Autumn is upon us. I expect we’ll see some frost soon.”

Any reply Ciel might have come up with died on his tongue. His wandering eye had found the full-length mirror in it’s corner by the wardrobe. He watched Sebastian’s gloved hands slip the collared shirt off his body and set it neatly to the side. He suppressed a shiver as the hands came up again.

“Cold, my lord?” Sebastian asked, pulling Ciel’s gaze away from the image of his own slender form. 

“Yes,” Ciel replied, too quickly. “Do see that a fire gets going in here. I think you may be right about the frost.”

“Yes, sir.”

Ciel was quiet as Sebastian finished undressing him and helped him up into the hot water. It was just the right temperature, hot enough to steam, but not to scald. Ciel stared down at the water, swirling it absently with his fingers as Sebastian lit candles to stave off the approaching twilight. It was not often that Ciel deliberately observed his own naked body, for it only reminded him of how strange it was that he should be Earl. A skinny, soft-faced boy not yet fourteen; easily mistaken for a young girl, and not without reason. 

“You’re brooding, young master.” 

Sebastian’s voice made Ciel look up sharply, to where the butler was standing beside the tub, tugging off his pristine white gloves.

“What of it?” Ciel replied grumpily, staring coldly at his servant. “I should think you would be used to it by now.”

“Nothing of it, my lord. It was merely an observation.” Ciel noticed Sebastian’s gaze shift slightly to the right, and so he closed his eyes, obscuring the devil’s view of the uncovered covenant mark.

Warm water cascaded over Ciel without warning, making him tense. Slightly less warm hands followed, rubbing soap across his shoulders. He took a deep breath and held it. He was not unused to being washed by servants, he had been all his life. But it took a long time for him to readjust to the sensation of another’s hands on his body after what happened to him. Even now, it was only Sebastian he could conceive touching him like this, simply because Sebastian was bound by a magical contract to never let harm come to him. 

Yes. Only Sebastian. 

After Ciel emerged, shivering, from the bath, he allowed Sebastian to swaddle him in towels and carry him to the bed. 

“Dress me in my bedclothes,” he ordered.

Sebastian looked at him in surprise. “What of dinner, my lord?”

“I am not all that hungry. I will simply take some tea in bed.”

There was a moment of pause before Sebastian bowed his head and said, “As you wish.”

Ciel let Sebastian slip the soft fabric of his nightshirt around his shoulders, but shifted himself slightly as the butler began doing up buttons.

“I believe I know why you are so uneasy this evening, my lord,” Sebastian said, looking up to face his master. Typically when Ciel went without his eyepatch, he noticed how Sebastian’s gaze always flitted to his right eye, something smug and anticipatory about his expression. He presumed that it was just due to their bond, similar to how his own glance was always drawn to the back of Sebastian’s hand on the rare occasion he removed his gloves. However this time, Sebastian met Ciel’s eye unwaveringly, slitted amber focused on round and youthful blue. 

“And what might that be?” Ciel prompted haughtily, his stomach knotting itself in discomfort.

“You are most unenthusiastically aware that you are…” Ciel watched in horror as Sebastian’s eyes slid down to his chest. “...developing,” the butler finished, flicking his gaze back up to Ciel, only to be met with a sharp slap.

“Don’t you _look_ , you perverted bastard!” Ciel gulped angrily, turning around and fumbling with the rest of the buttons himself. His face was red hot with embarrassment.

Behind him, Sebastian silently got to his feet. “I apologise, my lord,” he said gently. “It was not my intention to offend-” 

“Go, Sebastian,” Ciel ordered, his fingers shaking as he struggled with the last button. “Just go, and bring me my tea.” 

“As you wish, my lord.” Ciel closed his eyes as he heard the words. When he opened them again and turned around, he was alone. 

“Damn him,” Ciel muttered, still flustered. He clutched at the collar of his shirt, feeling his heart sink. He could curse his butler as much as he liked, but it would not change the fact that Sebastian was right.

Ciel was thirteen, fourteen in mere months time. He knew what adolescence would bring for him, his body the way it was. When he was young he had been naively optimistic about the matter. He had hardly thought about it until he was eight or nine, and when he asked his mother, she had told him that it’d be alright. That they’d handle it. That they had resources. Oh how lucky he’d been that they did not shun him, but still loved him the same. Since their deaths, he had been preoccupied with more urgent predicaments. He figured he would accomplish his mission and have Sebastian devour his soul before it ever became a problem. It was taking longer than he predicted, however. Ciel pressed his arms hard against his chest, at the tiny swells there. Hardly noticeable. Completely invisible through shirt and suit. 

Disgusted, Ciel shook his head and climbed into his bed, the cool sheets rustling against his bare legs. 

Minutes later, a knock on the door heralded Sebastian’s appearance, a silver tray in his hands. “I have prepared for you, my lord, an array of light sandwiches including cucumber, ham and swiss, and jelly with peanut butter, along with an aromatic herbal tea.” 

Ciel sat up straighter in his bed and said nothing as Sebastian placed the tray on his lap. The boy picked up one of the small triangular sandwiches first, and took a measured bite as Sebastian moved towards the window.

“You are not very fun when you are upset, my lord,” the butler remarked as he closed the drapes against the fading light of the setting sun.

“Ah’m not uh’set,” Ciel protested with a mouthful of sandwich.

Sebastian tsked and dusted his gloves together. “What poor manners you have, young Earl.”

Ciel glared at him and finished the rest of his sandwich before he spoke. “If I’m no fun when I’m upset, perhaps you should leave. That would enhance my mood greatly.”

Sebastian smiled, and walked around the bed to light the candelabra that was resting on the stand there. Ciel watched him the way a snake watches a hawk, all while sipping his tea. 

“Very well then, my lord,” Sebastian said softly, lifting the candelabra. The flickering light from the candles cast ghostly shadows across the man’s face, causing a cold prickle to crawl down Ciel’s spine. As reassuring as Sebastian’s presence could be to him, it was moments like these that he was reminded of the true nature of his butler, and just how frightening he could be. 

***

The next morning, Ciel woke before Sebastian came to get him up, which is an unusual occurrence in and of itself. What made it stranger was the uncomfortable sticky warmth between his legs. He sat up, discomfort lodged in his abdomen, and pulled back the covers. A sizable patch of dark red blood stained the sheets along with his nightshirt. Ciel paled, and before he realised it, he was calling for Sebastian.

“You’re awake, my lord?” Sebastian cracked the door open and peered in. He stopped in his tracks when he saw the boy Earl’s expression. 

“Sebastian, I’m _bleeding_ ,” Ciel said dazedly, confusion and fear battling within him. Was he drugged in the night and stabbed in the stomach? It certainly felt that way. But feeling his belly, he found no wound, no injury.

“Ah.” Realisation flickered across Sebastian’s face, and the bastard smiled. “I believe I know your ailment. Unfortunately, there is no cure.”

“What?!” Ciel gripped the sheets, drawing his knees up.

Sebastian sighed and moved closer, still smiling, to Ciel’s chagrin. “Do not look so alarmed, young master. You will be perfectly fine. Let us get you to the bath.”

Reluctantly, Ciel let Sebastian hoist him up and carry him to the bathroom, mind and stomach churning. “I’m bleeding,” he said again as Sebastian set him down standing, in the tub. “Why the hell am I bleeding?” With a lump in his throat, Ciel touched his fingers to the inside of his thighs. They came away wet and smeared with red. His hands trembled. He hated the sight of his own blood. It brought back bad memories.

“Calm down, my lord,” Sebastian said, already shrugging off his jacket and rolling his sleeves. “You’re not injured. It is simply a natural process of the… kind of body you possess.” 

“There is nothing natural about bleeding,” Ciel spat.

“You would be surprised, my lord. We will clean you and your sheets, and then I will gather some supplies from Mey-Rin.” Sebastian took Ciel’s wrist in his hand and cleaned the blood from his fingers with a cloth.

Ciel hesitated, then nodded. “Very well.”

Once he had rinsed away the blood himself (“I can do this fine on my own.” “It is part of my duties to clean you, my lord.” “Sebastian I _forbid_ you to touch me there!” “You are quite red in the face, master, are you alright?” “Shut up, you churlish ass. And _stop smiling!”_ ) and Sebastian had brought him fresh linen along with the ‘supplies’ he had mentioned, Ciel ordered that all plans and engagements be postponed until further notice, then crawled back into bed with a groan.

“I feel like Hell is taking place inside me,” he grumbled into his pillow. 

“I assure you that is not the case, my lord,” Sebastian replied, resting his hands on his hips. “I will prepare you some tea that will relax your muscles and ease your discomfort. Chocolate is another useful remedy, though you should not have some so early in the day.

“I don’t care,” Ciel moaned, rolling over. “Bring me chocolate, breakfast be damned. How do you know so much about this, anyway?”

“Oh, well that is quite simple,” Sebastian said, a sly smile coming over his expression. “If I could not provide the best comforts to my master, regardless of the situation, what kind of butler would I be?”

Ciel rolled his eye and pulled the cover up over his head, ignoring what he knew was the smug look on Sebastian’s face. That blasted devil thought he was so clever. While Ciel griped internally, he curled up tighter, trying to ignore the twisting cramps in his gut.

The tea did help some, and the chocolate was delicious and much appreciated by the young master, but he still refused to get out of bed.

“Come now, my lord, it is already well past noon, don’t you think it’s time to get up?” Sebastian glanced to where the boy was still huddled under his bedcovers as he threw the curtains open a little wider, letting in the Autumn sunlight.

“No.” 

Sebastian sighed and retrieved the teacup from beside his master’s bed. “You do realise this will become a regular occurrence, don’t you? You cannot simply hole yourself away for days at a time every single month. You will draw suspicion to yourself.”

“Sebastian, you don’t understand. It hurts.” The Earl’s words were muffled by all the fabric.

“You have endured worse,” Sebastian replied, almost condescendingly.

Ciel pulled the blanket back enough to shoot his butler a dirty look. “I have. But that is different. That was when other people were hurting me, and I had an enemy I could stand and face. This is my own _bloody body_ chewing itself up from the inside.”

Sebastian said nothing, only pursed his lips and continued to clear the bedside table. Ciel huffed and gingerly sat up.

“Fine. I'll attempt to be productive. Bring me the papers from the drawer in my study, some blank parchment, and a pen.” 

“Yes, my lord,” Sebastian said, closing his eyes and bowing.

“And more chocolate,” Ciel added grumpily.

“Of course, my lord.” 

***

Ciel tugged on the bottom of his dress shirt, staring at the mirror intensely. 

“Something the matter, my lord?” Sebastian asked without looking up from where he was searching for the jacket his master had requested.

“This is becoming a problem.” Ciel pulled the fabric tight to his body, making the curve of his chest more prominent. “All my clothes are tight-fitting, and I’m afraid it is becoming too noticeable.”

Sebastian turned around, the jacket hanging off his arm. He put a finger to his chin and studied the Earl’s form. Ciel let go of the shirt, turning a bit pink.

“You know I don’t like it when you stare,” Ciel muttered.

Sebastian looked away and dipped his head. “Apologies, my lord.” He strode forward and slipped the jacket over Ciel’s shoulders, then moved around to do the front up. Once the neckpiece had been done up and the outfit mostly completed, Sebastian stepped away to let Ciel evaluate his appearance.

“No, no, this won’t do,” Ciel said, frustrated.

“I am sure we can conceive a way to hide them, my lord,” Sebastian said, turning on his heel. “But for now, your cloak will suffice.”

“Can’t we postpone our trip to town?” Ciel complained, turning side to side and lifting his arms to check for evident oddities.

“I’m afraid not, sir. You have been slacking off too much for that.”

Ciel bristled. “I have not been slacking! I have been dealing with rather concerning issues. I have an image to maintain, and that image does not include looking like a teenage girl!”

Sebastian smiled slyly. “And to maintain your image is exactly why you must go out today, my lord.”

Ciel rolled his eyes and allowed his butler to finish dressing him. “Winter is almost over. The cloak will no longer be enough when the weather warms.”

“We will find a way, my lord,” said the Devil.


End file.
